you ask yourself, if the friends you've got are real friends.
Or if they are just pretending.
Why they alsways start something without you,
why they leave the class room witout you,
why they leave school without waiting for you, even if you got the same way.
If you should leave them, or not.
You know if you do, you'll be alone.
Otherwise - you are alone.
You are always alone..
is to be saved. Isn't it?
It's hard to life in a world, where most people feel ugly.
Or don't eat. Or eat and get it off again.
Where everyone is scared to get hurt.
To be cheated with someone.
Where no one permits feelings.
We want someone next to us.
Who we can talk about everything to.
Who we can love.
But we need to be able to love.
We need to be able to show feelings.
And I'm not.
I hate myself, my self destruction.
I hate my fucking mind.
I hate my fucking Body.
My legs, my arms, my everything.
We want someone loving.
Someone who is always there.
Someone, who gives us a kiss just before we go to sleep.
Someone, we can trust.
Someone, we can lay next to.
Someone, who calls us at night, just to tell us something sweet.
Someone, who's like the best Friend in the World, and like a boyfriend.
Someone, who seems Perfect.
to fall in love,
to be so far away from you,
to not beeing able to talk to you,
to not knowing the music you're listening right now,
to not knowing in what mood you are.
And i also hate, to have more guys and stuff in my head than i should.
but come one. could you forget about a person you love since 9 months?
Could you? I don't think so. Thats reality. You cant.
You can try to get them out of your life.
Delete their numbers from your cell phone.
Delete all of your text's.
Delete them from your IM.
Delete them from your facebook.
If you've got something special from them,
a shirt, a ball, even just a shoelace,
you can put them away, behind your wardrobe,
your sofa, also out of your room, even if you put that
special thing into the garbage.
It WONT go out of your mind.
He or she WONT go out.
the 'funny' thing about that is,
that you just can't forget them because you don't want to.
If you did, you wouldn't need to delet them.
You can ignore them, and life without them.
Even if they're there.
I don't want to forget you.
I want you to 'Wait for me somewhere between reality and all we've ever dreamed'
Well, you make me sick.
You wont let me sleep, so i'm fucking tired.
I can't think anymore, my body is breaking down.
When i'm walking, i have to concentrate so much, that i won't fall down.
I feel like on drugs. I feel like a junkey, like on crack or cocaine.
But am not. Am not even drunk, ok, i drink but just at weekend.
I know, i'm on a drug.. You're my drug. I can't stop it.
I can't sleep without that you're spooking around in my dreams,
to many times, to many bad things, but i wish they would be real..
A perfect evening would be, that we're laying on the sofa, you've made a coffee for me.
We spend our time by waching a movie, and i can cuddle me on your shoulder.
That would be perfect.
xoxo'
Dienstag, 17. April 2012
I want snow outside.
I want to lay down somewhere, and forget the time.
I want to be outside to long.
I want to be fucking skinny.
I want to be anerexic.
I want to see my bones again.
I want to be able to touch them.
I want to say
I've made it.
It makes me sick to chat you, and you're not texting back.
It makes me sick.
Well, we spent time together, but that does not make it better.
No, it just hurts more and more.
Everyday i'm waiting for you. Texting me.
I'm stupid. I know, we'll never be. But i know, that i love you.
I know, that i try to forget you. I know that i already tried it and i've failed.
I tried to delet you from my life. I deleted you from my phone, my messenger, my pc.
But i can't keep you out of my brain. It doesn't works. It's like hell. really.
I want to spend more time with you. Not everyday, but sometimes a week. A moth. A year.
You make me meak. You really do.
If i think of you, i can't feel my fingers anymore.
Did you EVER got that feeling when you saw a person you might love?
At any person on your life? I did. I do. Yes i do.
Donnerstag, 22. März 2012
It's just like.. I've been trough so much shit in my life, that nothing can hurt anymore.
Why should I ever stop?
Cause you're there and we'll never meet? No, i wont.
I know, there must be an other girl in his life. It must be.
Just like theres another boy in my life.
My weight? Too much.
I hate myself for letting the control go.
I've got fat. I'm now at 72 kg and not at 67 anymore.
FUCK! I need to stop getting more fat. Believe me.
I do fight. But it's hard if you've lost the control once.
I think it's getting more easy to loose weigh in spring or summer,
because you're not the whole time at home, in your bed, eating cookies
with friends and so on. No, you're moving. You're ride bike, go and skate
and so on. Yeah. I LOVE summer and i keep on going and win this summer and i won't get that fat this time.
I WILL WIN!
Mittwoch, 21. März 2012
And sometimes i ask myself, if it was good to find you.
Well, i would everytime reply with yes. It is good.
But why did we found us? Was it fate?
Normally, i don't believe in fate. But i think.
WE are something special. Even if there is no we.
Actually i can't imange a life without you.
I would like to know how you think about that.
Or, do you even think about that? About us?
About me? About me an you in future? I do!
Your name is spinning around in my head all day long.
From the first moment when i woke up. To the last,
when i fall asleep. You're always there. And i'm never alone.
Even if i don't know you. Don't know you in reality.
I think i'm a little bit lost without you.
You're my bank. My sea. My drug to stand in life.
To stay alive. To not go crazy. I think. I'm in love with you.
It might be love or something else, it doesn't matters much to me,
because i know i can't loose something i've never had.
I'm addicted to you. But what are you to me?
Did you ever dreamed of me? Did you?
I've been dreaming of you. Not only once.
I did it a lot of times. I've been waching you.
My body were trembling.
Your body had an awesome smell. I loved it.
Everytime you were acting normal.
And I were nervous. Do you ever think of me ?
Did you ever smiled when you got an text from me?
I always do. I'm just still alive in cause of you.
I were so sick that I would have killed me.
But you were there. You were there.
Everyday I was waiting. Just for you're texting me.
And i still do. Do I love you?
I think, i'm just captivated by you. It might sound crazy.
But it's real. I hope i'll get the chance to touch your skin one day in reality.
Not only in a dream. I hope it so much!
